


Holiday Explanations

by durgasdragon



Category: Naruto
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-01-28
Updated: 2011-01-28
Packaged: 2017-10-15 04:23:08
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,002
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/156985
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/durgasdragon/pseuds/durgasdragon
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Sai answers all the questions Gaara has</p>
            </blockquote>





	Holiday Explanations

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Zira](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Zira).



**Holiday Explanations**

_Disclaimer: This is a purely fan-made piece that is using the world and characters from Masashi Kishimoto’s_ Naruto _and is made entirely for enjoyment. No financial gain has been made in the making of this piece_

 _Summary: Sai answers all the questions Gaara has_

 _Author’s Note: Written for Zira. Possible out-of characterness and crack. Crack like whoa._

 _Constructive Criticism is always welcomed_

 _Published: 29 December 2009_

 _Rating: K+_

Gaara scowled and looked thoroughly unconvinced. “So he passes judgement on everyone?”

Sai nodded.

The scowl got darker. “How does he keep track of everyone?”

“He has a very extensive network of spies and informants. He also has a very rare bloodline trait that allows him to know everything everyone is doing at any given moment.”

“Why hasn’t any village made use of this?”

Sai shrugged. “I hear his powers are seasonal. They aren’t as strong the rest of the year. Plus, not only is he located in an impenetrable fortress far to the north, he has amassed a large army of midgets to defend him and his land.”

“Midgets.”

“Yes.”

“Why midgets?”

“Well, it seems in colder climates, it’s better to be small. It’s easier on circulation and the bone structure. I also think part of it’s economically. Smaller people not only eat less and use less fabric for clothing, but he can fit more floors into his fortress and thus get more floor space for them to work in.”

Gaara digested this. “I suppose that I can follow that train of logic. It still doesn’t explain his need for judgement and use of bribery. Or the use of the deer.”

“The deer are probably the only members of the local fauna that are big enough to do his bidding and won’t try to eat him during lean times,” Sai said reasonably. “I imagine that bears are no good not only due to their dislike of humans, but their hibernation patterns of sleeping all winter. Wolves would probably eat someone’s summons, and wolverines and badgers don’t play nice with anyone. That—more or less—leaves the deer.”

“What about yaks? Yaks make more sense than deer.”

Sai thought about it for a moment. “Maybe there were no yaks when he got started and by the time he had found some, he was already using the deer.”

Gaara seemed to accept this answer. “How does he finish in one night?”

“Time compression jutsu. He also has this pill he feeds his deer that allows them to move at the speed of light. However, it drains the deer so much that they need half a year to recover from it and another half of a year to build back up to a point that he can use it on them again. It’s another reason why he only operates one night a year.”

He nodded slowly. “What about the size? It cannot be helpful for him to be of such bulk. Not only is it bad for his heart and health, it can’t make thing easier on the deer.”

“It makes it easier for him to assert his dominance,” Sai answered promptly. “Plus, his wife has a fetish for such things.”

Gaara blinked. “How do you know that?”

“She’s always feeding him. Forcing him to eat more and more and giving him lots of sweets and the likes.”

“How do we know that she’s not trying to kill him so she can take over?”

“Because she couldn’t. She doesn’t know the jutsus nor the ingredients for the pills or anything like that. Anyhow, she has a pretty cushy job right now. She can bake all day and do whatever she pleases and her husband’s the one who has to do all the hard stuff and take all the heat if things don’t work out.”

“Is he some sort of puppet government for her?”

“I don’t think so. She knows a good thing when she see one.”

“Which brings me back to my original question; why does he feel the need to judge everyone?”

“It didn’t _start_ that way,” Sai said with an air of great knowledge. “It started when he was first perfecting his jutsus and pills. People began to expect him around certain times and the nice children would fill their shoes with salt and hay for the deer and he’d leave gifts as thank-you’s. He got hit by a genjutsu when he was flying over Mist one year, and even though it was removed, some of the damage was permanent. It gave him the idea that he should do the whole reward thing to _everyone_. He’d give gifts to the people who fit his mode for ‘good’, and he’d give all the people who were ‘naughty’ either Chlamydia or a really small penis, depending on how ‘bad’ he thought you were. He originally stuffed those people in a sack and tried to use them as slave labour, but not only did that get messy with the other countries, it wasn’t cost-effective.”

Gaara blinked. “So he’s a little mentally unstable?”

“Unfortunately.”

Kankuro walked into the room. “Hey Squirt, Sai-san. What have you two been holed up here for the last two hours talking about?”

“Sai-san has been kind enough to explain many of the Konoha holiday traditions to me,” Gaara said thoughtfully, still sorting through all the information. “It has been very enlightening.”

Kankuro paused. “What, exactly, has he been telling you?”

“We have discussed the propositional powers of mistletoe, the tree tradition that comes from the old practice of decorating one’s penis to prove domination, and we have just finished Saint Nicholas and his jutsus.”

Kankuro rubbed his eyes. “That’s…that’s not how it goes.”

Gaara scowled. “What?”

“Look it, I’m…I’m gonna go find someone else to do this. Don’t listen to him any more.”

Gaara watch his brother leave and heard him call for their sister. He looked back at the artist.

Sai smiled brightly. “Do you want to discuss the tradition of hiding the pickle now?”

_x Fin x_


End file.
